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Ephesians 4:2-3 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

Think

When my kids were younger, I used to watch them fight over the front seat of the car. And when I say fight, I mean fight. They would see the car in the driveway, lock eyes with each other, and sprint. Elbows flying, backpacks getting launched, somebody’s shoe coming off. All of it to claim the shotgun position. I looked out the window one afternoon and they were actually throwing punches over it. Over a seat. In a car. That was going to the same place no matter where they sat.

It was funny then. It is less funny when I see adults doing the same thing.

We never outgrow the instinct to fight for position. We just learn to disguise it. Adults do not throw punches over the front seat, but we fight over position all the time. In our marriages. In our workplaces. In our friendships. In our churches. And every conflict, every point of friction, every argument that keeps circling back can be traced to one of three things: power, money, and sex.

Power is about authority. Who makes the final call? Who leads? Who submits? In a marriage, guys tend to dominate and women tend to manipulate. Both are attempts to seize control, and both violate God’s design. In a workplace, power struggles happen when people are more interested in their title than their contribution. In a friendship, they happen when one person always has to be right. Authority issues are one of the biggest reasons relationships fracture, and most of the time, the real fight is not about the decision on the table. It is about who gets to make it.

Money is about trust. Maybe one person is a free spender and the other keeps a spreadsheet down to the penny. Maybe one gives generously and the other clenches every dollar. Money reveals what you value and what you fear. And if two people value and fear different things, the friction will be constant. I have watched couples who agree on almost everything tear each other apart over finances, because money is never just about money. It is about security, control, and priorities.

Then there is intimacy. In marriage, this often means sex. But even outside of marriage, intimacy, emotional closeness, vulnerability, trust, becomes a source of conflict when people have different expectations about what closeness looks like. One person wants deep conversation; the other withdraws. One person craves quality time; the other substitutes activity for connection. The gap between expectations and reality is where resentment grows. And because intimacy is the hardest thing to talk about, it is usually the last thing people address. They will argue about dishes, schedules, and whose turn it is to pick up the kids. But underneath all of that, the real wound is, “Do you even want to be close to me?”

Paul wrote to the church at Ephesus knowing they were dealing with all three. Different backgrounds, different expectations, different ideas about authority and resources and closeness. So he gives them the antidote: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

Make every effort. That phrase tells you unity is not automatic. It does not happen by accident. It requires humility, which means putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own. It requires gentleness, which is strength under control. It requires patience, which means enduring discomfort without retaliating. And it requires love, not the feeling, but the decision to bear with someone even when they make it hard.

I want you to notice the order Paul uses. He starts with humility. Not strategy, not communication tips, not conflict resolution techniques. Humility. Because the root of every power struggle, every financial argument, every intimacy breakdown is pride. It is the belief that my way is the right way, my needs matter most, my perspective is the correct one. And until pride is addressed, no amount of technique will fix the friction. You can learn all the communication tools in the world, but if you walk into the conversation believing you are right and the other person is wrong, you have already lost.

Think about this. Every relationship you have will face pressure in at least one of these three areas. You will disagree about who has authority. You will disagree about money. You will disagree about intimacy and closeness. The question is not whether the pressure will come. The question is whether you will fight for position or fight for unity.

My kids eventually stopped fighting over shotgun. They grew up. They realized that where you sit in the car does not determine where you end up. The same is true in every relationship. Stop fighting for position. Start making every effort toward peace. Because the destination matters a lot more than who sits in the front seat.

Apply

Name the real fight – Think about a recurring conflict in your life. Ask yourself honestly: is this really about the issue on the surface, or is it about power, money, or intimacy underneath? Name the real fight, then bring it to God and to the other person with humility.

Pray

God, I do not always fight fair. I fight for position when I should be fighting for unity. Forgive me for the times I have let power, money, or closeness become battlegrounds instead of places where your Spirit brings peace. Make me humble. Make me gentle. Give me the patience to bear with the people you have put in my life, and help me make every effort to keep the bond of peace. In Jesus’ name. Amen.