How Do I Have a Godly Marriage? (Real Christian Marriage Advice)

If you're looking for Christian marriage advice, you've probably already noticed something: most of what our culture teaches about marriage doesn't work. The divorce statistics prove it, and even a lot of the marriages that stay together describe themselves as miserable. So before we talk about how to build a successful marriage, we have to be honest that the world's playbook is broken.

I've spoken about marriage, written about it, and counseled people through it for decades — and I'll tell you plainly, I feel unqualified every time. Lisa would say the same. We've been married a long time, and we still need what I'm about to share. So don't read this thinking we have a storybook romance with no arguments and no hard seasons. That's not real, and it's not the point.

Here's the real question: how do you actually build a godly, successful marriage — not in theory, but on an ordinary Tuesday night when you're tired and annoyed with each other? The answer comes down to one word. Vision. It's about learning to use your eyes.

A Successful Marriage Reflects the Gospel

Before the how-to, you need the foundation, because it changes everything about the advice that follows.

If you asked people to define marriage, most would say it's about romance, or procreation, or the capstone of your life. All partially true. But here's what marriage actually is: a mirror of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's the only human relationship that reflects God's relationship with His people. (If you want the full picture of why God designed marriage this way, I wrote about it in the purpose of marriage.)

The gospel is the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. And a marriage that works has those same three movements — a death to self, a burial of your selfishness, and a resurrection into something new by the power of Christ. That's why Christian marriage advice that skips Jesus never quite works. It's treating the symptoms and missing the source. When people look at your marriage, they should be able to see Jesus in it. That's the goal. Now here's how you actually get there.

First — Look Upward

The first thing every successful marriage does is look upward, to Jesus.

I have a painting of Jesus in my house that I did years ago, and the way my chair sits, I'm always looking up into His eyes in that painting. That's a picture of where marriage actually happens — looking up. Because without Jesus, why even get married? Lisa and I would not be married today without Him. I don't say that as a nice religious line; it's the literal truth of our history.

Here's something fascinating about your eyes. The retina receives the world upside down — it's your brain that flips it right side up. Think about that spiritually. In the flesh, we see marriage upside down, and our culture certainly does: if you're feeling it, it must be real; if they stop satisfying you, you're out; marriage is basically disposable. That's upside-down vision. But when you have the mind of Christ, He turns the picture right side up and gives you a perspective you simply cannot get on your own.

Looking up also gives you power for the hard moments. When you're in the middle of an argument, you can look to the cross — and when you remember how readily you've been forgiven, it rushes you to forgive your spouse. That's not willpower. That's resurrection power, the same power that raised Jesus, made available to your marriage.

Second — Look Inward

The second piece of advice is to look inward. 2 Corinthians 13:5 says, "Look closely at yourselves. Test yourselves to see if you're living in the faith."

Have you ever had an eye exam? Dark room, that machine pressed up into your face, "this one or that one," squinting to read letters that keep shrinking. We treat our physical vision as a priority — we get it checked. But do we ever check our vision for our own marriage that way? We have a vision for our career, our kids' success, the house, the hobby. We'll spend enormous money and energy on all of it — and skip the honest work on the most important human relationship on earth.

Looking inward means self-awareness, and it's uncomfortable. Because here's the thing about marriage: when you look into your spouse's eyes, what's reflected back is who you really are. That's exactly why so many of us avoid it. But you'll never grow in marriage until you're willing to see yourself the way Jesus sees you — and only looking up first gives you the courage to look in.

Third — Look Outward

The third piece of advice is to look outward — to your spouse. Philippians 2:3-4 says, "Value others more than yourselves... Each of you should also look out for the good of others."

This is where the rubber meets the road in a godly marriage. It always gets quiet when we talk honestly about this, because it's convicting. People often come to the church only after too much water has gone under the bridge, and then they say, "I even went to church and it didn't fix us." The time to start valuing your spouse above yourself is not after everything collapses. It's now.

Let me be pastorally honest here. There are real, serious situations — involving abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment — where a marriage ends, and if that's your story, my heart genuinely goes out to you and God's grace covers you. But most struggling marriages aren't those extreme cases. Most are dealing with selfishness, pride, and upside-down vision — and most of those, with God's help, can be turned into something fantastic.

Practical Framework: The Heart of It — Holiness Over Happiness

While I was preparing this, I started writing in my journal and the words poured out. This is the core of the best marriage advice I know — what a marriage is really more about:

1. More about commitment than comfort. You'll be comfortable sometimes, but comfort isn't the foundation — commitment is. It's what holds when comfort runs out.
2. More about faith than feelings. You'll have feelings, but feelings come and go like the tides. A marriage anchored to feelings drifts; a marriage anchored to faith holds.
3. More about your spouse than yourself. Selfishness gets some of what it wants, but a marriage built around self is built on sand. Built around your spouse, it reflects God.
4. More about holiness than happiness. People ask, "Ed, are you and Lisa happily married?" My honest answer surprises them: we're not happily married — we have plenty of moments of happiness, but happiness isn't the point. We're holistically married, in the best sense of the word. God designed marriage more for our holiness than our happiness. And here's the beautiful irony: chase holiness together and the happiness comes with it; chase happiness directly and you usually lose both.

Years ago, someone put Lisa and me up in a room I've never forgotten — a full 360-degree view of the ocean, water in every direction. That's the picture of what God wants for your marriage: His full perspective, all the way around.

Marriage is not the easiest thing. But it can become the greatest thing, if you're willing to do the work. And the work starts with your eyes. Look up to Jesus. Look in with honesty. Look out to the one you married. The gospel itself is about vision — Jesus looked at your sin and mine and did something about it. He went to the cross, conquered death, and offers you resurrection power for the exact places your marriage feels dead.

So make the decision today to live out the gospel in your marriage. That's the secret. That's how a marriage becomes what God designed it to be.